i was in a mood for a while last night. i'm so afraid of getting older. as i was scanning the usual (and not usual in a bad way) crowd at the common ground last night i saw all my wonderful friends / aquaintances, those who i see everyday, on the weekends, or just on thursday night, i realised that there will come a time that i will see any one of them for the last time at any given point, whether it be soon, or in a few years, or on my deathbed. i will see ryan, DJ nebula for the last time in my life at one point. even DJ Brian, and (a cautious 'god forbid') athena, i will dance with for the last time. all things end, and usually in the end, it's for a good reason, or for the best, but for some things, that seems like an impossibility for me. i really love it all so much, and i never want it to end. at least not in theory. i wish that atmosphere, that dancing, that music, and those people would last forever. that at any given time, i can go back to the common ground, and they'd all still be there. when things end, they usually end for a good reason. but not always so. there was a time i could go to the common and collins would be there. i could walk out my door, and he'd be there. but he's not anymore. he moved to amsterdam. and it hurts. i miss him, and think about him everyday. all things end, and in the end, they usually end for a good reason. when i was 4 years old i had a similar thought to the one i had in the common last night. i watched a lot of tom & jerry cartoons as a little kid, and that cat would die in every episode. but he was always back a few minutes later to get killed all over again. i was 4 years old in my backyard in madison, ct. and i was next to the house walking up towards the stairs of the deck. i realised that i would die, but i would not come back. at age 4 i was painfully aware of my own mortality. it didn't depress me, but scared a little. at 4 my thoughts of death were simply that you die in pain, crushed under a piano, or blown up with dynamite. but it wouldn't happen until you were really old and in the hospital. my biggest fear about death at 4 was that it would hurt, and there was no way out of it. you cannot cheat death. we will all die. i was 4?! thankfully the thought that my parents would die too was too much for a 4 year old to comprehend, so i didn't ponder that. i think i would have seriously fucked myself up if i did. it is inevitable. as there will be a last time i blink, breath, close my eyes, touch my stomach, or scratch my foot, there will be a last time that i see my thursday night dancing buddies. i just hope these two final events don't conincide. dieing at the bar is uncool. they might call me capt. bringdown and the buzzkills.

i hope it never ends. i want to go to the common ground when i'm 40 and walk in on a thursday night, and there would be brian, spinning some god awful hair metal, and beautiful cure, and all my wonderful friends / aquaintances, those who i see everyday, on the weekends, or just on thursday nights were there - not a day older than when i last saw them - never growing old, never going grey, never getting married, or divorcing, or having kids. just on the dance floor having a great time, spilling beers, creating drama where there doesn't need to be, and rushing to the dance floor every time new order comes on. i hope these days never end, but they will. all good things come to an end, and sometimes there's a good reason for it. or at least a tolerable one.

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