it's been too long

i just got back from another dead mod night. i'm wondering if it's still worth it. i'm wondering if i'm still into the style, the scene, the music. is it natural, or is it because she's around. i long for the days of lonliness sometimes. of going to Our House with norah and ricardo, having a smoke, drinking brubakers.sometimes i long for the emptiness of being hurt, the longing for that someone that you think you need in order to fill the hole in your life - until you get them, and you feel nothing of the pain that stayed with you so long. i remember the joy of a full dance floor, and thinking in terms of wanting, hoping, dreaming, yearning, hurting. that is no more. is that because i'm growing out of it? is that because it's too late. is that the way things happen? if i ever feel that again, will it be too late? will i bee fatter, older, balder, and more unhappy than i've ever been? happiness is strange, so i don't know how to take it. in defense my mind, my heart, and my soul feel little but the occasional joys when she's around. i'm 27. i long to be 26, to be 25, to be 22 again. to do it right. but i thought i did it right. i thought i did it all. but no more, shall i do that. this time has past. it keeeps passing. it keeps feeling right in the way that it feels like it's the wrong timing all the time. holly, tanya, sarah, lauren, they are all past. but they feel right in the way that they were wrong. crap. now this is turning into a lame livejournal. i miss being a scenester. i'm only pretending now. fuck. i want to be shallow again. it was more fun.

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